finding moments and people
When I was out last night with some beer I watched the usual cohort of barang people come and go. They have their enclaves here. The little groups that hang together. Being an outsider means I see them only from there. I’ve not wanted to find these bubbles of people. Something seems artificial or wrong with it and I just veer away from their things. My friend Russell and I meet every so often for coffee and talk. One of the common threads is how he feels trying to find expats here to have a relationship or even casual coffee times with. It’s a common set of bullets with him about the things he sees. I’ve written them before and he sees the same as mine but even others.
- Expats here are by nature isolated into smaller worlds. We do not fit well into Khmer worlds. We expect more of some things and less of others. An example is privacy. I have this desire to have “me time”. Time to have my words, music, thoughts. Writing. The practices I love. By nature these are solitary things. This sense of privacy is not a thing here normally.
- The sets of norms and values are different between Khmer and expats. There’s many similar things but there are basic mores that we have that Khmer people struggle with. It’s the same the other way too. I cannot value someone that lies and cheats and steals. I don’t want them around me. Ever. I remember things. My wife goes with the “that was yesterday” belief. For many things yes. For things that violate those three things never. She tells me certain things are the “Khmer way”. I tell her great. I’m not Khmer. So the reed must bend both ways a bit. And it does. Until money gets in the way. And it has here. A person lied and cheated and stole from us repeatedly here. After she was found out and I was told that was it for me. My wife sees the person as a friend. I’ve never limited her. I’ve told her I do not want the person around me ever. Other people come and go. I use first impressions a lot with them. Or the little voice.
- Family and those values are huge here and I get it. Some expats “adopt” Khmer people as daughters or sons. Honorary family members. Social boundaries are moved around. People become social family here. While I get it and somewhat understand I don’t do it. The most important person other than my wife is her daughter to me. She’s the only Khmer person that comes in to my orbit and has never left. Perhaps because we can talk honestly.i think she’s the least khmer person I have ever met.
- We are not judged here however we live. We are given space to do as we please. We are still guests in the kingdom. I can never just be a Khmer person. They cannot walk a mile in my shoes. The difference is cosmic and small and large and sometimes overwhelming. So the first point always comes back. We are isolated. Floating between worlds. My wife bridges the gap for me. Others here do not have that.
And that’s how I see moments and people coming together and being separate. We will never share moments equally with Khmer people. Each person approaches the moment from a different starting point.
What to do then
Well to me the thing is to enjoy the life we have. Find the things whether in Cambodia or Thailand or Vietnam. Make the moments yours. I likely will never have a Khmer friend or a barang one. I feel the circles and paths close up around me and I watch from the outside. It’s okay though. I’ve met my share of expats and most I can say with little doubt I never want them around me. Like ships crossing some turbulent strait they go their direction. Bound by wind or current. I go mine.
Now I sit with coffee. Watching and writing. Remembering this lost moment when I saw a person come and go. He had told me wanted a friend. A person he could join up with. Meet. Invite for meals or a coffee. Instead I saw this person within I had not seen before. He left on his moto and I felt relieved. I then knew our moments would not be shared. His distance and mine are too far. And it’s ok.
It’s what we barang do here. We live good lives but we cannot ever adapt and adopt or acclimate. And we are not meant to. I think we are meant to travel our points. To find our last acts. To enjoy what it is that brought us here and find some joy. It will never be some cosmic joining of cultures and it’s not ever meant to be.
It’s just what I see finding moments and people. As the old saying goes,
Your mileage may vary
If it does good for you. I still look. See things. Feel things. Write them. It’s what this website is all about.
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