Mikes Thoughts

my days of journaling

Lately the daily habit has picked up steam I think. More words written on a day. More thoughts which all argue for their moment being seen on paper. I don’t do some kind of bullet journal or write a single sentence for the day thing. Instead I just write. I’ve tried do it other ways and it becomes frustrating and I feel out of my element. Like I had words and feelings that were raw and unfiltered. Or pleasant and upbeat. Or all the things combined. But the new way missed the mark. Left me thinking that writing some bullets and a single line missed out on a life that has multiples of each in it.

And I write them. I sometimes turn on focus mode on iA Writer so I can see the sentence as I do it. It’s little surges and breaks. How it feels to have no limit. No wondrous weather or location.

The last trip to Otres I got to see some things become visible. Now I guess in the gradually receding rear view mirror. I’ve known for a long time I am no people person and I don’t particularly care for social animal endeavors. Here that means something more than it was when I just wandered before. Then I had no ties. No one told me I should meet so and so or go to some party or have a dinner at a house. These days those things come along more rapidly and I sometimes feel at a loss. Like I have nothing I want to participate in here. When we were riding home I found the little thought like before. Maybe almost a Garbo line,

I went to be left alone

At the same time though I more often want the other thing. That being alone thing. I don’t know why but journaling and wanting to write flourishes when I find myself that way. Then I can see perhaps more clearly and find time to jiggle the connections and see a thing in a different depth.

Like writing now. Back home and I can find the words. I just could not want to do the things there. I left the dinner thing early the other night. I could not take the people any longer and was tired of the scene there. Perhaps these people encounters in Cambodia frustrate me. I never ask for them or really want to participate.

So I’m glad to be back in some kind of element where the words feel like the music. Music in my life is not some song. It’s this continuum of things. A song takes me to a place or takes me away from a place. This morning mix playlist lets me find new and old music so the journey persists. So I write. Now on the laptop. With coffee at the ready. Wifi going.

This whole journaling thing will continue on I think to myself. I’ll carry this with me for a walk and a coffee out later.

journaling, coffee, walking

This morning could not wait to just go. I like leaving around 8 or so but it felt like an eternal wait. Tried some YouTube. Felt this inner sense of discomfort. No walking yesterday. I cannot do that. I end up finding this anxiety and often depression without the movement. Then the writing also comes. So does the coffee. This morning a walk to Summer Coffee. A favored and comforting place. The feelings here always seem good. Siem Reap has nice places to find. Other places to lose.

So I will sit here and think on my words. Written here and there. This narrative of a today spent doing the things today which brings back what I need. Including writing these things. The daily journals bring it all around. The old ones like stark tomes of a distant eclipse of life. I sometimes delete them. Other times move them to some archive where others of their ilk reside.

We will see what happens. What I do know is I need the three today. Just no well meaning people. Please. Grant me a reprieve from people thinking they know what’s best for me. They likely don’t and just make me want the whole Garbo thing more. Just to be left alone.