Mikes Thoughts

half steps

Some days I take these half steps. Like I want to slow down. Find some things between and write them. My journal grows longer. I never limit the words or feel I should somehow control or change my tenor writing. Same with here. Much of this crap comes from a thought in the journal. Today my wife told me her long lost daughter that moved to Europe I am guessing to be with her dad will come visit. She left 20 years ago and I don’t know the whole story. Or even some part.

Instantly she believes it could mean my daughter in California could come to visit too. Or that we should visit America. Neither of those things is likely to happen. My daughter does not talk to me. And I left nothing in America that I need to go back for. I knew when I left in 2022 I would not go back. Of course my wife was not real then. I only had this life I wanted back. This going. Slowly. I wanted just the purposeless and aimless wandering again.

So I got a thing in Cambodia. Lost things in America. Found family here. There it seems things took a step back. Reminds me of the Springsteen song One Step Up.

Tonight we talked about her family. This house. Them visiting from Europe. So it’s natural my wife wants goodness and happiness all around. Life is not that way. It’s not all goodness and happiness and it’s hard for her to see sometimes it’s not meant to be. It’s that two steps back thing after she took her step forward inviting her daughter back to Cambodia.

What is difficult for her is I have no expectations or desires to ever go back. America simply stopped being for me. And I knew it in 2022. When I boarded the Korea Airlines flight I knew there were no more half steps. I did not know my daughter there would lie about events of almost 20 years ago. Honestly I had finally accepted things with my ex wife and had decided I could find some path forward. Some good half steps to take. Then my daughter prevaricated how things happened between her mom and I.

Those half steps were replaced one day with anger. Frustration. Disbelief. I told my wife,

Why in the fuck would someone lie about something that happened almost 20 years ago?

I could not get the sense of it. The reason.

So I let it go. But now it’s not so buried.Because I remember things. Those half steps were changed.

Now is now. My wife likes to let things go that happen.

That was yesterday and today is today.

Doesn’t work for me. Because I hold people responsible and accountable for what they say and do. You don’t get a pass with me by taking more half steps away. The deceit only makes it worse.

Here I have told my wife there are Khmer and barang people I never wish to see again. They’ve done shit to us. Or I started out not liking them when I first met them or they pushed my mom here around. She gets it. It’s the mongrel barang in me.

They won’t be in my world and I won’t be in theirs. There’s no steps to recover.

Done deal.