Mikes Thoughts

2025 things

It’s the end of the year. Just in time for my slightly ill tempered retrospective blog post I guess. So what was learned and done. Hit and missed. Found and then lost or never found. I figure if it was never found it cannot be lost. Seems reasonable. So give me some room here and sorry but some things have lingered longer than a year.

Family things

In 2022 I left Mexico. I saw my daughter in California then. We went to this bbq place in Fremont California and had beer and food. We talked. It seemed then we would have some mode of communication even though I knew when I left after three days in California I would never be back. She told me she loved me. Told me she was there for me. Then the intervening years went by and now we don’t talk. Chances are we shall never talk again. I thought on this awhile as December edged in and remembered what some other expat said about family in America after 5 years gone. He could not talk to them. They would not accept his calls or texts. He was essentially cast out. So I wonder why. We all make terrible life choices. And then we do it again. Finding my wife here was not one of them. Seeing my ex wife in my daughter’s final words to me got me. Then I knew before that final message my ex wife had her final revenge. She managed to do what I think she wanted since 2021.

The only thing I can do being across the world is accept things. My wife here thinks I should go back. Confront that family. Get some priceless history back. Photos and papers. Things my mom had.

I asked my friend Paul in Hanoi what he would do. He is faced with a similar thing. He told me,

Do not go back. Nothing is achieved by it. You won’t get back what you think. Just take the memories. They take up less space and are easier to deal with.

I think he’s right.

On the other hand I have a Khmer family here that is larger than I know. Sisters and aunts and uncles and brothers. A mom here. I have a family here that like my daughter TN here says loves me.

One does not cancel the other. What I decided though is to do what I did before. In lieu of accepting it all. I just live with it. This is less. Much less. But I take what I can get and do what Paul said. Do the memories.

Cambodia life

I’ve been living here now since 2022. It’s been a good time. I love Siem Reap. The city is authentic and open with the social and historic mix I love. What I don’t much care for is where we live. An acquaintance told me being happy with where he lives makes all the rest happen. I believe it.

While i love Cambodia and my life, recently I have found I miss Vietnam so damned much. Some days it’s a pain. I feel this loss from missing that wonderful, funny, and strange country. I don’t know why but Vietnam just is this thing. This basic primal thing. Cambodia is not. I need both. I cannot be without Hanoi. It is in my blood. There’s this element to it. This part of life that is not here in Cambodia.

So I decided I have to go. Even to Saigon. It’s not the best for me. Or even a desired place. It’s where I can reach and then have my dear friend lily come to see me. Eat with me. Drink some beer. Tell me in her flawless English. Tell me her life. Her story since 2023 when I saw her last. My friend Tom there as well. Our times eating street food in Hanoi and drinking beers. Talking life during a global pandemic. Hanoi maybe not right away but Saigon is easier.

Other 2025 things

Since I left America 10 years ago it all has become this simpler life. I gave up on things. Things like cars and homes. Fancy clothes. Many people. I have written them but thankfully my journals often destruct after time. I simply do not need that writing.

Life has become simple. Cambodia makes it so. I do the things now I call practices. Walking, writing, yoga and meditation. I don’t do much talking or socializing. I think those things in 2025 became even more marginal. I just don’t want relationships with other expats here. I’ve tried. I’m not a fit companion. I’m selfish and egotistical and those are my positive traits. I listen to the small voice about things and people. It steers me toward and away from both. Mostly now away.

I guess 2025 has been that kind of year. I’m old and set in my ways. I’ve lost the need for most people. Here it’s opposite for Cambodian people. They do better surrounded by social networks. They also don’t pronounce some sentence or try to change people. The days slowly revolve around to lesser and lesser time left in the year. I add in a few sentences and I don't know when I will post this thing. Today I will walk to a favored coffee shop for Christmas morning or whatever it is. It is not a holiday here although Khmer people love the holiday. I am hoping by the end of the year that Cambodia and Thailand just stop with the violence and blame games. That would be a nice end to 2025.

Some people write regrets and wishes and hopes. I mentioned only one. I desperately need to get back to Vietnam just to feel the way of it. The emotional and passionate way of that place. It has all of that for me. Not going when it is so close hurts and this year was another not going. I have to fix that. So a few things I would like in 2026.

Maybe there's more. But I also want a photo to add. Just a place that haunts me still. Keeps me wanting more.

sunset

See you later this year or next.